One of the most powerful things I’ve learned from studying mindfulness is that we have more power over our thoughts than we often realize. Our mind is constantly telling us stories that we believe—true or not. These stories can be based on past experiences, unfounded assumptions, or thoughts about the future. And, they often have a negative impact on our daily lives. The good news is that with a little practice, we can learn to replace negative self-talk with a better narrative.
The Toxic Power of Negative Stories
Before outlining steps to control negative stories, I want to share a simple example of how stories can unfold in an inaccurate and detrimental way. Let’s say you’re having a rough day and need to confide in someone. You text a friend to find out if they can meet for coffee or a walk. The blinking dots appear as she types her response, and you are hopeful that she’s available. But then, the dots stop blinking and nothing comes through. Suddenly, your hopefulness turns to insecurity. She must be coming up with an excuse because she really doesn’t want to meet you. Did you offend her in some way? Your mind starts racing as you try to figure out where things went wrong. An hour later she responds. She apologizes for her delay, explaining that she realized she got pulled into a meeting at work and was finally coming up for air. And, yes, of course she’d love to meet up!
This scenario may sound familiar. There are so many untruths arising in our minds causing unnecessary stress. What if after the three dots stopped flashing, you didn’t react, didn’t make up a narrative, and simply went on with your day knowing that she saw it and would respond when she could. What a different and more peaceful approach. THAT is within your power.
Getting to a point where you can control the narratives in your head takes practice. I have found that it gets easier over time, but I’m not sure it’s something that we can ever really master. Having some tools to rely on can help you move through these moments faster and reclaim your calm.
Step 1: Recognize Your Thoughts
Sometimes it’s easier to recognize your thoughts when they are negative. What unpleasant narrative are you telling yourself? In the example above, the unpleasant narrative is that your friend isn’t responding because she doesn’t want to spend time with you. Noticing that the narrative going on in your mind is simply a story that you’ve made up, and not a fact, is the first step in rewiring your response.
Step 2: Identify the Origins
Why are you having those thoughts? Did you experience a similar situation in the past? Are you prone to seeing the glass half full? In the texting story, perhaps the stressful event at work left your confidence a little shot and so you naturally turned to a negative story when you were unsure of how your friend was going to respond. Starting to understand certain patterns or triggers can help reduce similar reactions in the future.
Step 3: Uncover the Truth
When you recognize that negative thoughts are simply made up stories, slow down, take a deep breath, and ask yourself what is true. Look at the facts. Separate them from the story. In many cases you’ll realize the stressful part isn’t true at all. There may be a possibility that it could happen, but resist the urge to go down a dark path of ‘what ifs’. Breathe, accept the current situation, and let go of what is unknown or out of your control.
Step 4: Pause or Rewrite
In some instances, like the example shared here, you simply need to pause, resist creating false assumptions, and wait for the real story to unfold. In other cases, where your mind is telling you that something is negative — for example, your partner’s habit of never closing cabinets—you can rewrite the story so that the habit becomes endearing rather than annoying. Why would you want to keep telling yourself a negative story? You have the power to change it!
If you decide it’s time to rewrite a story, it can take time. Doing things like saying it out loud, writing it down, and thinking about it daily can help you make the shift more quickly. If you’re interested in learning more about this, I highly recommend Choose Your Story, Change Your Life by Kindra Hall. An excellent book about the power of storytelling.
Our thoughts are powerful so why not work at making them work for you—encouraging them to mold a great life that serves your hopes, dreams, desires. Your brain can’t detect between what’s real and what’s made up. If you think about biting into a lemon, your mouth starts to water. You didn’t really bite into a lemon and yet your body physically reacts. That’s incredibly powerful! So rather than letting patterns of negative thoughts spiral you into an unpleasant warped reality, practice a narrative that can propel you forward in a positive way.
